Every
Year A Christmas Tree
Christopher
McCarthy
At the Christmas tree farm, two
middle-aged men burn a brush fire. Families newly arrived and hangers-on stand
beside the warmth. Everyone waits for the tractor to come back and take us up the
hill to the harvesting field—row upon row of balsam fir.
We’ve all paid fifty dollars to be driven
up the hill, to select our own best tree, to cut it down and have the tractor
bring it back. It’s an additional two dollars to have it wrapped in netting
afterwards.
The men burning deadfall build up their
tower of sticks. It crackles, sap sizzles and pops. Jolly music plays in the
background. The fire and, at its edge, see a child’s snow suit. Yellow, green,
and purple, mock primary colours. Orange dances around it. The snowsuit’s
collision of colour, its block pattern alone, tells its age.
The arms of the jacket are just back far
enough from the box of flames that they are changing colour, darkening a shade,
and stiffening.
Daylight
fire bright which star will we see tonight?
The
tractor returns with the bimmelbahn, flatbed cars in tow. The driver
circles-semi around the fire, then reverses, bunching up backwards
caterpillar-style. Hop everyone of us on except the men burning the fire, and
older people from one of the other families who sip luke-warm coffee
contentedly.
The driver knocks down a milk crate for
anyone needing a boost onto the platform. ‘All on?’
We turn away, whiplining straight to go.
Brace seated. Ride. UP, UP, UP, snow but more mud, evergreen Christmas around
our hectic train. Bumps bump. Look up. See a grey-porcelain winter sky. Feel
cold. Hear the choke of the tractor smooth-out as its wheels touch dry terrain.
Out.
Step down (some use the milk crate again).
Fairytale style forest appeals to us all. The farmers’ rows of fir—dense and
brush-cluttered— make magic this man-made wood.
Still. There’s no breeze. Jovial talk
bursts, through gloom clouds light shines ready for the tree hunt. Families
break off. Go. Go. Sun shines.
Our silence breaks bletchley with the
crunch, crunch, crunch of footsteps treading on the backs breaking hundreds of
snails. There are thousands of snails (not alive) littered on the forest floor.
This is odd. Why?
Move to the clearing. Blue blue up, dark
brown down, a Honda stained with earth from the tire up, parked by the tree
line. A yellow sign nailed to a pine reads ‘10’, below it and stump-lined on
either side, ‘reforestation area’, and on the ground here is a skull. It looks
like a rabbit’s head. Pick it up. Hare skull for an art deco piece—a gift for
sister—cleaned and sterilized and some jewels in the eyes. It will stand out on
the day with all the other glitter and garland green. In the bag with the saw
goes it. It goes.
* * *
Hoist up trees and attach them to roofs of
cars. Stand around. The bell jingles. ‘Available. Available.’ The tractor
driver searches for new passengers. No one in the parking lot pays him any
attention. A horse drawn sleigh carrying
several tourists passes down a snowy laneway.
Gloom gloms blue sky with globular grey.
Noon settles. Dirty air smolders with the fire on the far side of the lot.
Adults aver the ‘lovely, fresh trees’ they now secure to their roof racks. Our one, nearly six feet from stump to star,
lost inches to sawdust. Cut fresh and tie tightly. Bow saw bag and bunny trunk
stowed, bundled, we bunch into the back seat. Door swung open to tie.
More and more families get into cars to
go. Dirt mixed with snow makes snirted
mox. Down each exit each family, each set of tires scrawk banal, gone.
Done. Hold breath for exhaust fumes.
Only two empty cars in the lot now. The farmer’s
Dodge pickup with seven or eight trees strapped in its bed, rusts silently. Tucked in beside the parking lot attendant’s
shelter, a yellow VW Bug—almost fifty years old—wheels removed, up on cement
blocks, rusting too. It does not go.
‘Blue spruce available on this side and
Fraser fir at the other end.’ The bell jingles still.
The
fields edge away to become highway.
Arrive home. Untie ties. Stand tree in
tree stand. Remove net. Get camera. Snap. Snap. The tree must open up. Leave it
alone. Branches drop down.
Out for lunch. Eat eggs and tomato. Chat. ‘Great tree.’ ‘It is.’ Plan a
nightwalk in the Christmas market. Those that want it can drink Glühwein at the
entrance as we wait to pay six dollars for tickets to go in. Go. Go. Go. Go.
It is so dark that the personal only looks
personal amidst the false light, the large, fake tree predominant, and all her
false glimmering stars rising with floating (hanging) jellyfish up the black
sky. Hot pots hiss. Boiling maple syrup is poured to glace over icy snow.
Chatter rings. Carollers on stage sing.
Eat smoked meat and Käse-Sandwich. Eat Bratchäs
with pickled pepper, sautéed onions, and Schweineschnitzel on a pretzel bun.
Eat Liège style waffles and Kartoffelspiralen swaying on swivels. Eat roasted
pecans, cinnamon-glazed, and Gebrannte Mandeln. Eat chocolate dipped,
dough-fried dessert.
Twirl around each and every vendor. Shop
in shops. Turn to cross through grounds. Skirt round people standing. Avoid
people carrying stacks of gifts not looking. Bear left. Bear right. Skate
across snowy, salted brick. Snowflakes dance down and disappear over cooking
fires, hot oil, over lit grills. Footstep a snowy ballet set to banter and
bouncing Bublé. Crack nuts in teeth. Get back in the car. Nom nom’d in
exultation.
He lies in mystery. See black ice on the
dark, dark road.
Skid snowy. Go toward the median. Jaunt
into an otherways turn. Turn again. Turn on your side. Roll. Roll. Roll your
oats over. Overmix the porridge, seatbelt jolt. Pick those glass shards out.
Crash berry blue. One of us has sicked all over the floor of the smash.
* * *
Sit on a bench for a long time gazing at
real stars. Shock shocks. How do you know you don’t have a concussion
if you have one but think you don’t?
‘Thank
God everyone is fine.’
Thank Him. Give thanks the car is a
write-off. Give thanks in secret. Give thanks especially that the saw didn’t
loose from the saw bag. Retrieve the bunny head.
Arrive home. Undress. Untie bandages. Tie
new ones on. Stand by tree. Decorate. No one wants to sleep. We
laugh-laugh-laugh. This is the fattest fir we’ve ever had. It doesn’t fit in
the room. Its shapeless wide is filled with decades of ornaments. Get camera.
Snap. The tree has opened us up. Drop down. Most go to bed.
Fire glows embers to cinders to ashen
nothing.
Downstairs, in the laundry room, in the
deep sink, clean the bunny head. Solvents smell. Scrub the eye sockets. Soak
gore. Leave it alone for awhile. Watch TV in the side room. Come back.
Drain the drecky dark liquid. Dry dry.
Work the towel into every hole. Sand smooth. Smooth bumps. Take off grit. Apply
linseed oil with a rag. Let dry. Wait. Watch more TV. Hours pass.
Buff every surface. Go back over it with a
higher grade paper. Roughen the sites for the bijoux. Play Bowie’s ‘blackstar’
(at a hushed volume). Stick the fake jewels on. Blacken the eye cavities. Dust
the skull with glitter. Dull the shine.
Finish.
Sleep late, late into the morning of
Christmas Eve day.
* * *
It’s a shrunken head. Wrapped, balled-up
in newspaper, under the tree, tied off at the neck, the gift of a skull. Add a
green bow.
O.
Henry. Oh Henry.
All day is for sitting around. Parents
phone insurers. Leave to pick up rental car. Wooziness settles in. Sit around.
Get up. Sit back down. Is that the concussion
or a head rush?
Watch heads in duffel bags. Decorate the
hall. Watch Donnie Gyllenhaals. Make merry for fish supper. Rally. Wear a
blonde wig for most of the evening as a joke. Everyone is marked, saddened by
thoughts crashing.
Watch more after dinner. Crouch in a
ball. Curlcrunch (in human approximation) of suitcase square. Every
movie seen a hundred times, watch them again with eyes shut.
Seat-jolt awake. Still morning still. No
stirs stir. Winter birdsong, mist moistens each edge of the basement window. Go
up from here. Up the stairs.
Grown in the night, she has overwhelmed
the gifts nestled at her base. The tree and the living room are one and the
same being. She overwhelms every ornament hung in adulation. Her bows and
brambles, gold beaded, stretch into the hall, scrape walls, climb stairs,
darken windows with the force of ancient forests. Thousands of years of growth,
grown at a snail’s pace, are, in an instant, covering our house. She encloses every corridor in evergreen
labyrinth. She covers each sleeping family member, wood on wooding the doors to
rooms, greening them, greening them in.
Step. But
step where? False steps fir fall greening green underneath green. Her
chokehold is an embrace.
Every
year is a different tree, a different feeling, and this year Christmas is sad.
Yes! Our bedrooms, beds, and the living room, the same as it has always been.
All the best to make amends in.
Christopher McCarthy | Toronto | 2016
Christopher McCarthy | Toronto | 2016